Damn, I miss firefighting... I miss serving... I miss helping others... Yes, it screwed up my head pretty bad, and I got hurt a few times, and probably taken A LOT of unnecessary risks, but I always felt deep down inside, that I was put on this earth to take care and help other people regardless of whether or not my life was in danger.
I feel as if that was my calling from God...
However, God and I still have some issues to resolve... I had a Chaplain tell me about a year or so ago that I am, "...further along in my spiritual journey," than I realize... I still search for answers to this very day...
It's funny how PTSD and religion are closely related. Out of all the counseling, therapy, treatment, and research, I still seek answers. I have been told that I should just simply accept everything for what it is, however, I am not satisfied with that.
Am I searching for the meaning of life, and just not realize it? I honestly don't know, but I have spent many sleepless nights trying to figure things out... I still can't. Perhaps if I keep searching, I will find it... At the very least, I will find an answer or explanation that will at least satisfy me... My personal truth, perhaps...
Maybe I need more spiritual guidance from the church... Maybe I should continue to study the Bible?
I so desire to know what is on the other side... Death is a part of life, so do we continue to "live" after we pass on? Do I get a "free pass" since I have helped so many people in their time of need? Why would God let me experience a little child's flesh "melting" through my gloved hands? What lesson does that teach me?
I have so many questions, and hardly any answers...
